1 00:00:06,367 --> 00:00:09,086 (MAN READING) 2 00:00:32,927 --> 00:00:35,236 - BLACKADDER: Baldrick! - Yes, sir. 3 00:00:35,407 --> 00:00:38,638 Oh! Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing. 4 00:00:38,727 --> 00:00:40,046 How's the King, sir? 5 00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:43,039 Um, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man 6 00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:46,278 who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush. 7 00:00:47,807 --> 00:00:49,763 Do you think the Roundheads'll find him? 8 00:00:49,847 --> 00:00:53,203 Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught 9 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:57,075 as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises. 10 00:00:59,007 --> 00:01:01,760 - Is that true? - Yes, of course it's true. 11 00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:03,565 Have you ever known me to lie to the King? 12 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,716 Yes. 13 00:01:06,127 --> 00:01:07,560 - No. - Exactly. 14 00:01:08,887 --> 00:01:12,926 He's absolutely safe, as long as you keep your fat mouth shut. 15 00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:14,838 You can trust me, sir. 16 00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:16,286 (CHUCKLES) 17 00:01:16,847 --> 00:01:19,315 Right, Baldrick, I'm off to answer the call of nature. 18 00:01:19,407 --> 00:01:23,798 If by any freak chance Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk 19 00:01:23,967 --> 00:01:25,525 in the next 90 seconds, 20 00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:29,646 remember, the King is not hiding here. 21 00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:31,041 Yes, sir. 22 00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:34,485 ♪ Greensleeves... ♪ 23 00:01:35,687 --> 00:01:37,518 Good evening, citizen. 24 00:01:38,247 --> 00:01:40,044 I am Oliver Cromwell. 25 00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:44,997 My men have surrounded your house and I am looking for royalist scum. 26 00:01:45,607 --> 00:01:47,677 Is the king hiding here? 27 00:01:48,447 --> 00:01:49,562 Um... 28 00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,402 No. 29 00:02:01,807 --> 00:02:06,722 On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure? 30 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,246 Yes, I am. 31 00:02:09,887 --> 00:02:11,036 I see. 32 00:02:11,407 --> 00:02:12,760 Well, then, 33 00:02:13,247 --> 00:02:15,477 my proud beauty, 34 00:02:16,247 --> 00:02:19,842 you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you? 35 00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:23,001 Men, come in from the cold, will you? 36 00:02:24,047 --> 00:02:27,119 Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside. 37 00:02:27,207 --> 00:02:29,721 All right, but don't touch the purple cup. 38 00:02:29,807 --> 00:02:31,957 - Why not? - That's the King's. 39 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,001 Thank you, citizen. 40 00:02:41,087 --> 00:02:43,362 You may leave me alone with King Charles. 41 00:02:43,447 --> 00:02:47,042 (PRINCE CHARLES ACCENT) Ah, Mr Cromwell, how delightful to see you again. 42 00:02:47,127 --> 00:02:50,642 Don't get up, don't get up, tell me, um, have you come far? 43 00:02:50,727 --> 00:02:52,126 I have, sir. 44 00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:55,639 From country squire to law protector of England. 45 00:02:55,727 --> 00:02:58,195 Fascinating, absolutely fascinating. 46 00:02:58,287 --> 00:03:03,315 Um, tell me, uh, what exactly does a law protector do? 47 00:03:03,407 --> 00:03:07,605 - He spells your doom, sir. - Spells my doom? Wonderful. 48 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,326 Well, that's particularly exciting because so many people these days 49 00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,125 can't spell at all. 50 00:03:12,647 --> 00:03:14,046 Particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, 51 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:17,483 which is my area of interest. - How truly speaked, sir, 52 00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:21,116 but all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold. 53 00:03:21,207 --> 00:03:23,675 Jolly good, fascinating, carry on. 54 00:03:23,767 --> 00:03:24,961 A priest, sir, 55 00:03:25,047 --> 00:03:28,357 to help you make your peace with God before you die. 56 00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:31,639 Oh, hello. 57 00:03:32,047 --> 00:03:33,480 Your Majesty, 58 00:03:33,567 --> 00:03:36,957 I can arrange for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape. 59 00:03:37,047 --> 00:03:39,038 Blackadder! You're dressed as a priest. 60 00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:42,483 How... How dangerous and stupid and perverted. 61 00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:44,319 It's just like school. 62 00:03:44,407 --> 00:03:47,160 Look, sire, this is a matter of life and death. 63 00:03:47,407 --> 00:03:50,399 Nonsense, Blackadder. I don't think there's a jury in England 64 00:03:50,487 --> 00:03:53,047 that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me. 65 00:03:53,127 --> 00:03:56,039 - Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury. - Thank you. 66 00:03:56,127 --> 00:03:59,324 So, what does it say? Guilty or not guilty? 67 00:03:59,927 --> 00:04:01,963 I'll give you two guesses. 68 00:04:03,007 --> 00:04:04,360 Not guilty. 69 00:04:05,087 --> 00:04:06,600 One more guess. 70 00:04:10,887 --> 00:04:12,161 Oh, damn. 71 00:04:13,567 --> 00:04:17,037 One measly civil war in the entire history of England 72 00:04:17,127 --> 00:04:19,516 and I'm on the wrong bloody side. 73 00:04:21,447 --> 00:04:22,800 Something wrong, sir? 74 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:25,720 Yes, Baldrick. Yes, there is. Don't you realise if the king dies, 75 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,763 we royalists are doomed? 76 00:04:27,887 --> 00:04:30,321 We will enter a hideous age of Puritanism. 77 00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:32,443 They'll close all the theatres, 78 00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:35,360 lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal 79 00:04:36,207 --> 00:04:38,675 and I won't be able to find a friendly face to sit on 80 00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,598 this side of Boulogne. 81 00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:44,362 If they so much as suspect our loyalties, 82 00:04:44,447 --> 00:04:47,484 our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop. 83 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,239 Ooh, I love chops. 84 00:04:51,127 --> 00:04:54,642 Baldrick, your brain is like 85 00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:59,198 the four-headed, man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen. 86 00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:03,205 - In what way? - It doesn't exist. 87 00:05:04,487 --> 00:05:06,318 Oh, God, what are we going to do? 88 00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,875 Don't despair, sir. Something'll pop up. 89 00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:11,242 Not under Puritanism it won't. 90 00:05:12,407 --> 00:05:14,204 We must do something. 91 00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:17,642 We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders 92 00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:19,558 are as doomed as that ant. 93 00:05:19,647 --> 00:05:20,921 What ant? 94 00:05:23,327 --> 00:05:24,601 That one. 95 00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:28,961 So this is the day of the execution of Charles I. 96 00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:31,922 Absolutely not, Your Majesty. 97 00:05:32,247 --> 00:05:36,923 Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle. 98 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,555 How fascinating. And what is that, exactly? 99 00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:41,842 They will never find a man to behead you. 100 00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:44,202 They'd have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off, 101 00:05:44,287 --> 00:05:45,800 he's such an ugly devil. 102 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:48,799 He's got so many warts on his face, it's only when he sneezes 103 00:05:48,887 --> 00:05:51,640 that you find out which one is his nose. 104 00:05:53,207 --> 00:05:55,163 But they will never find a man to execute you. 105 00:05:55,247 --> 00:05:58,080 Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic. 106 00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:02,683 You know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this. 107 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:06,203 And you know, all they need is the initiative somehow. 108 00:06:06,527 --> 00:06:10,042 I suppose, in a sense, that's what my award scheme is all about. 109 00:06:10,127 --> 00:06:11,560 - Really? - Yes. 110 00:06:11,647 --> 00:06:14,480 On the other hand, of course, I don't want my head cut off. 111 00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,717 Uh, it's a question of balance, isn't it, like so many things... 112 00:06:16,807 --> 00:06:19,446 Shut up, with the greatest respect, Your Majesty. 113 00:06:19,527 --> 00:06:21,722 - Thank you. - They will never find an executioner. 114 00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:25,925 And if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket. 115 00:06:28,127 --> 00:06:30,595 - A message for the King. - Ah, thank you. 116 00:06:34,207 --> 00:06:35,242 Ah. 117 00:06:35,447 --> 00:06:37,244 (TENNIS RETURN POPS) 118 00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:44,121 ♪ There's a tavern in the town ♪ In the town! 119 00:06:44,207 --> 00:06:46,675 For God's sakes, stop that, Baldrick. 120 00:06:48,047 --> 00:06:51,119 It's bad enough having one's life in utter ruins without being serenaded 121 00:06:51,207 --> 00:06:55,439 by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster. 122 00:06:56,847 --> 00:07:01,125 I'm sorry, sir. I can't help it. See, I've just had a little windfall. 123 00:07:01,327 --> 00:07:03,158 Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, 124 00:07:03,247 --> 00:07:04,965 go into the garden. 125 00:07:06,287 --> 00:07:08,403 I mean, I've come into some money. 126 00:07:08,487 --> 00:07:10,557 Really? Family inheritance? 127 00:07:10,687 --> 00:07:12,643 No, I ate that ages ago. 128 00:07:13,687 --> 00:07:17,805 Oh, yes, of course, your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip. 129 00:07:18,447 --> 00:07:21,166 No, it was ã50, actually. It was delicious. 130 00:07:21,247 --> 00:07:24,398 But this is just a little something that fell in my lap. 131 00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:28,275 Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Baldrick. 132 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,557 No, but this one is a job. 133 00:07:31,047 --> 00:07:33,277 Really? I just don't understand it. 134 00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:37,645 Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, 135 00:07:37,727 --> 00:07:43,643 so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England? 136 00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:51,960 - Baldrick? - Yes. 137 00:07:52,047 --> 00:07:54,322 That little job that fell into your lap. 138 00:07:54,527 --> 00:07:55,642 Yes? 139 00:07:55,727 --> 00:07:58,321 It wasn't by any chance something to do with an axe, 140 00:07:58,407 --> 00:08:01,399 a basket, a little black mask and the King of England? 141 00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:02,522 No. 142 00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:05,156 - Go on. - I couldn't find a basket. 143 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:10,726 -You very small, total bastard. -Oh, please, sir. Don't kill me! 144 00:08:10,807 --> 00:08:13,082 I have a cunning plan to save the King. 145 00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,556 Forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. 146 00:08:15,647 --> 00:08:18,559 Your family's record in the department of cunning planning 147 00:08:18,647 --> 00:08:23,402 is about as impressive as Stumpy O'Leg McNoleg's personal best 148 00:08:23,487 --> 00:08:25,921 in the Market Harborough marathon. 149 00:08:27,847 --> 00:08:29,917 All right, what's the plan? 150 00:08:32,327 --> 00:08:35,717 A pumpkin is going to save the King? 151 00:08:36,127 --> 00:08:38,402 Ah! But over here, 152 00:08:39,447 --> 00:08:41,915 I have one that I prepared earlier. 153 00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:47,683 I will balance it on the King's head, like this, 154 00:08:48,087 --> 00:08:51,523 then I will cover his real head with a cloak 155 00:08:51,607 --> 00:08:55,441 and then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, 156 00:08:55,527 --> 00:08:59,805 I will cut off the pumpkin, and the King survives! 157 00:09:00,887 --> 00:09:03,606 I'm not sure it's going to work, Balders. 158 00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:04,961 Why not? 159 00:09:05,047 --> 00:09:07,003 Because once you've cut it off, you have to hold it up 160 00:09:07,087 --> 00:09:10,443 in front of the crowd and say, "This is the head of a traitor." 161 00:09:10,527 --> 00:09:13,599 At which point, they will shout back, "No, it's not. It's a large pumpkin 162 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,360 with a pathetic moustache drawn on it." 163 00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:19,282 I suppose it's not 100% convincing. 164 00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:22,564 It's not 1% convincing, Baldrick. 165 00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:26,686 However, I'm a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. 166 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,804 Here is my fist, kindly run towards it as fast as you can. 167 00:09:29,887 --> 00:09:31,161 Yes, sir. 168 00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:38,206 I just, I just don't understand it. What possessed you to take the job? 169 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:42,838 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It was just a wild, silly, foolish plan. 170 00:09:42,927 --> 00:09:46,283 I thought with the money I got from executing the King, 171 00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:49,757 I could sneak out and buy a brand new king when no one was looking 172 00:09:49,847 --> 00:09:53,283 and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing. 173 00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:56,404 Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants. 174 00:09:58,287 --> 00:10:01,006 You'd do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you? 175 00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:04,557 It was a thousand pounds, actually, sir. Plus tip. 176 00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:09,681 Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they? 177 00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:11,325 And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done 178 00:10:11,407 --> 00:10:14,319 in a single stroke by someone who actually owns an axe. 179 00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,204 We don't want you hacking away at it all afternoon 180 00:10:16,287 --> 00:10:18,403 with that cheap penknife of yours. 181 00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:21,081 It'd be so embarrassing to have King Charles staggering around 182 00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:25,683 Hampton Court tomorrow morning with his neck flapping like a fish's gills. 183 00:10:26,047 --> 00:10:27,958 - Sir, you don't mean... - Yep. 184 00:10:28,047 --> 00:10:31,676 I'm doing it. Lend me your costume. Then go meekly to the King 185 00:10:31,767 --> 00:10:33,439 and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder 186 00:10:33,527 --> 00:10:35,677 cannot be with him tomorrow. 187 00:10:35,847 --> 00:10:39,522 And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse. 188 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:43,446 So that's why he can't be here. Sorry. 189 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:46,639 I see. I quite understand. Yes. 190 00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:52,680 Sir! The moment has arrived. Are you ready to meet your maker? 191 00:10:53,007 --> 00:10:55,885 Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people 192 00:10:55,967 --> 00:11:00,563 from all walks of life, but yes, particularly manufacturing industries. 193 00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:04,356 Well, then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner 194 00:11:04,447 --> 00:11:06,836 and let's get on with it. - Right. 195 00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:13,235 Well, I'm sorry, my friend, I'm alone here today. 196 00:11:13,327 --> 00:11:18,162 I had hoped that my good loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, 197 00:11:18,247 --> 00:11:20,807 would be here with me. But unfortunately, 198 00:11:20,887 --> 00:11:24,482 his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch. 199 00:11:25,647 --> 00:11:28,081 So naturally, he can't be with us. 200 00:11:28,847 --> 00:11:30,166 Aha. 201 00:11:30,447 --> 00:11:33,245 All I can do is bid you do your duty well. 202 00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,997 Well, thank you, Your Majesty. 203 00:11:36,247 --> 00:11:39,478 And may I say how much I mourn for your lot 204 00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:43,526 and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly. 205 00:11:43,607 --> 00:11:45,086 Thank you. I take great solace from that. 206 00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:48,557 Sir Thomas More, for instance, a great, generous man to the last. 207 00:11:48,647 --> 00:11:52,196 He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely. 208 00:11:52,287 --> 00:11:55,404 Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought service was included. 209 00:11:55,487 --> 00:11:57,796 I beg your pardon. Here you are. 210 00:11:59,007 --> 00:12:00,235 Hmm. 211 00:12:00,327 --> 00:12:03,478 - And then there was the Earl of Essex. - Was there? 212 00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:04,920 A truly great man. 213 00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:09,080 They still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms. 214 00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,441 What ballad is that? 215 00:12:10,527 --> 00:12:12,961 he had a thousand sovereigns 216 00:12:13,047 --> 00:12:15,003 217 00:12:15,087 --> 00:12:18,363 To the man with the axe 218 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:19,596 ♪ Oh ♪ 219 00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:21,960 A thousand sovereigns! 220 00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:24,436 Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty. 221 00:12:24,527 --> 00:12:27,678 Very true. Well, there you are. Do keep the change. 222 00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,122 Thank you, Your Majesty. Right. Should we go? 223 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,686 Just a minute! 224 00:12:31,887 --> 00:12:34,640 That voice has a strangely familiar ring. 225 00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:37,043 And so does that finger. 226 00:12:38,247 --> 00:12:39,600 Blackadder! 227 00:12:40,647 --> 00:12:42,399 Hello, Your Majesty. 228 00:12:42,687 --> 00:12:44,564 You cunning swine! 229 00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:48,956 - Yes, well, uh... - Marvellous! Splendid! 230 00:12:49,047 --> 00:12:52,801 You've duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan 231 00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:55,879 to help me and my infant son escape to France. 232 00:12:56,327 --> 00:12:58,795 Ah, yes. That's right. Yes. 233 00:12:58,887 --> 00:13:02,675 So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away. 234 00:13:03,087 --> 00:13:04,440 Yes, let's. 235 00:13:07,007 --> 00:13:10,443 - Well, you start the ball rolling. - No, no. After you. 236 00:13:10,847 --> 00:13:12,724 Right, yes. 237 00:13:13,847 --> 00:13:17,362 Oh, yes. Yes, right. And it's a very good plan. 238 00:13:17,607 --> 00:13:21,077 It's a staggering, bowel-shatteringly good plan. 239 00:13:22,847 --> 00:13:26,760 - Is the King ready? - He is. Come, Your Majesty. 240 00:13:40,207 --> 00:13:41,481 (THUDDING) 241 00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:42,886 (CROWD CHEERING) 242 00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:44,195 (CROWD SIGHING, DISAPPOINTED) 243 00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:46,596 BLACKADDER: This is the head of a traitor! 244 00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:50,521 CROWD: No, it's not! It's a huge pumpkin 245 00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:54,156 with a pathetic moustache drawn on it. 246 00:13:54,647 --> 00:13:57,798 BLACKADDER: Oh yes, so it is. Sorry. I'll try again. 247 00:14:02,287 --> 00:14:03,606 (THUDDING) 248 00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:05,279 (CROWD CHEERING) 249 00:14:06,647 --> 00:14:09,400 Well, sir, they can't say you didn't try. 250 00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:13,959 Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms, 251 00:14:14,047 --> 00:14:16,277 in the person of this infant prince. 252 00:14:16,367 --> 00:14:20,246 And with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France. 253 00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:21,646 Oh, quite. 254 00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:25,921 On the other hand, you can stay here and as a known loyalist, 255 00:14:26,007 --> 00:14:27,804 the Roundheads will come and cut your head off. 256 00:14:27,887 --> 00:14:29,002 Exactly, Baldrick. 257 00:14:29,087 --> 00:14:30,361 (POUNDING ON DOOR) 258 00:14:30,447 --> 00:14:32,199 - Oh, my God! - Come out of the house! 259 00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:35,404 Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do? 260 00:14:35,487 --> 00:14:38,957 Well, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour. 261 00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:42,960 He must stand and fight and die in defence of his future sovereign. 262 00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:44,639 (POUNDING CONTINUES) 263 00:14:45,127 --> 00:14:47,721 But fortunately, I am not a man of honour. 264 00:14:52,007 --> 00:14:55,397 Thank God you've come! Seize the royalist scum!